November 2nd, 2013
I’ve locked away my demons
I’ve thrown away the key
In the night I hear their voices
I feel their eyes on me
I pray to God protect me
surround me with your light
I’m beginning to feel alone now
don’t let me give up this fight
Will others love me if I let them see
The darkness kept inside of me?
It’s 4:30 am. Tomorrow is my birthday. I feel like I should be more excited, but I’m not. I haven’t felt this manic since I started this website so I thought I might as well be productive considering I can’t sleep.
When I get like this The Other Me is like a ticking time bomb inside my head. I can’t get over this paranoia. Whenever I try to fall asleep, I get these sick thoughts in my head that just can’t seem to go away. I feel no other choice than to stay awake before my heart beats out of my chest and I’m lost again.
Often times I have people ask me my spiritual thoughts on mental illness. I even had someone comment that they wanted to hear about it. (Shoutout to Fay, sorry this took so long.) I started this post a few weeks ago but I felt it was empty because I hadn’t had many dark thoughts in a while–well here we are, and the dark thoughts are back.
I feel like I’m haunted.
Some people say I have demons. Some say I attract bad spirits. Sometimes I can’t tell the differences between reality, the other me, and my spirituality.
Every time, around this time of year, I slip into a downward spiral and it all comes rushing back. When I wrote the above poem, I had been off my meds for almost 2 years. I was feeling how I feel now except to the extreme. My paranoia had turned to whispers. It was like there were multiple voices in my head begging me, demanding me, to do something I would later regret. Whether that was violence towards someone else or myself.
My biggest issue comes into relationships. Before that poem was written I had just gotten off the phone with my then boyfriend crying to him how I wanted the voices to stop. He was the one who saw me most haunted. He was somewhat drawn to it, the darkness, as well and it was our greatest downfall. I had multiple blackouts with him. It got to the point that he would almost taunt the demons to make that side of me come out, leading my voice and face to change into something else. One time we got into a fight and he woke up to me standing in the corner, blacked out, staring at him while he slept. He immediately freaked and locked me out of his room claiming he thought I was going to kill him.
It seems so eery to me now. Especially because if I tried that kind of shit with my boyfriend now he wouldn’t hesitate to leave and never come back. That is why our relationship works–he makes me want to stay in the light, not the darkness.
But here I am at 4 a.m. and the demons, the other me, and the bad spirits (whichever you believe in), all seem to come together to try and make me believe that my boyfriend is cheating on me. Or he doesn’t love me. Or we are never going to make it. Some sort of imagined, paranoid abandonment I can’t escape from.
This is why I write–to gather my thoughts and try to grasp reality.
So What Do I Believe When it Comes Down to the Spirituality of Mental Illness?
I think it comes down to whatever your mind has made you believe……..or what other people have tried to make you believe.
You see I come from a family of all sorts of spiritual beliefs. I grew up going to church and I honestly liked church for the most part. Until it turned into a lot of people telling me I needed to pray and it was just demons that were causing me to feel crazy. It’s always the same runaround. It took years for most of my family to be like “oh…that’s really how it is for you? Tell us more.” Finally some sort of interest into the truth behind my chaos.
The Only Positive
I will say this, I do feel I have a greater understanding of life. It’s made me dive into learning anything I can about the human mind and what makes it tick. It’s also made me look at the soul and spirit. What makes some fall apart and use their pain to hurt others, and makes some stronger and use their pain to help others. Why does pain make some turn to God and some turn away? This constant battle of emotions and memories has made me stronger. Unfortunately, I find it hard to connect with people who haven’t had to battle this, and that can sometimes have a negative impact on my perspective. It alienates me from people who haven’t had trauma. I find people who haven’t had this in their life as boring and I hate to say it… “weak”. I feel if you have not also been enlightened by some sort of trauma, that you are not on the same wavelength as those who have. I know this is unfair if you never have a breakdown if you never have your soul cracked open, if you’ve never fallen down, how do you know how to get stronger? How do you grow? Since I have fallen and gotten back up so many times I truly appreciate the good times when I do get to enjoy the light. The people I know who were raised in an almost perfect life are almost shallow and socially judgmental. Some even seem to unconsciously long for that downfall and turn to drugs and alcohol. Maybe on some soul level, we choose harsh lessons to open us up and learn. I know I sound judgmental and if you’re one of the few who have been lucky enough to not experience all this, who hasn’t been knocked to the ground…try not to be butthurt by what I’m saying, be grateful because sometimes people like me never get back up or make it out of the darkness…)
Either way, I feel alone. Trapped in a mind that no one else understands. Borderline is for the few in the world who just got more fucked up than the rest. Most other people who are diagnosed are even farther gone than me with no desire to become self-aware, lost in self-pity. There’s only been one I’ve met who we got to talking and relating to each other, comparing our similar medications we’ve been on. Then we become obsessive and manic, so excited that for a second…you feel like there’s someone out there that just might be crazier than you.
No matter how self-aware I get, I’m always back here; just me and my demons, my seemingly lifelong companions.