Written September 11th, 2013

“Manic Love”

“As obsessed & dedicated to love that I am, I feel a sort of sadness to those I fall in love with.

How do you love someone who is bipolar?

Why would you ever choose to spend your life with someone who can barely grasp reality let alone keep a stable relationship?

It’s heartbreaking.

I have been in the relationship that feeds my bipolar, and the relationship that ignores it. If you give me the go ahead to be angry all the time…I will take that chance. If you look in the other direction when I need you…I will breakdown.

Neither are healthy.

For years I have lost myself in rageI have let my demons control me. 

The saddest thing about being bipolar for me is that this is my comfortable. I am not happy being normal. I am not okay when I “control” my mania and/or depression. I love being angry. It is my form of release. I’m also very addicted to mania. Who wouldn’t love feeling like they’re on top of the world without having to be on some sort of high!?

I feel everything 10x more than the average person.

When I’m sad, its the end of the world. When I’m mad, its the end of the world. BUT when I’m happy? I can change lives.

You can only imagine how strong I fall in love.

Heartbreak, well, it has destroyed me.

I would do anything for the people that I love. Whether you’ve hurt me, lied to me, cheated on me, forgot about me, or never loved me, I will always be there if you need me.

What’s the catch?

My love is obsessive.

I need you in my life and you hold the controller of my emotions.

I am on a constant cycle through mania and depression. If you catch me at the wrong time I will do everything I can to destroy you. I want people to hurt as much as I do. I want to see that pain flash across your face. I have so much emotion for no reason and I’m gonna do whatever it takes to make a reason, and that usually involves the person I’m closest to.

How can you love that?

Is it because when I’m good I’m great? Or do people just thrive on passion?

This thing I like to called manic love has its perks. Everything is intensified.

Within the past year I have tried to change my ways. I have tried to become the person that can control being bipolar. Let me tell you, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to face.

Not only is it mentally exhausting but it wears on my body. If I am going through mania and I try to control it I get chest pains or migraines. There is too much going on in my brain at one time. Sometimes it feels like there are 15 emotions trying to escape at once.

So what do I do?

Do I choose personal happiness in the sacrifice of others?

Again I ask, how can you love that?

Relationships are hard on anyone. Whether it’s friends, family, or romantic, it’s hard letting someone so close to you that can hurt you. Now imagine living in a mind where your brain is constantly telling you something is wrong, you’re not good enough, you’re going to be abandoned. These are all hardships I have to face on a daily basis to keep a stable relationship.

People with BPD live in a constant fear of abandonment. Something as little as my partners phone dying can throw me into an episode. My mind goes immediately to he’s avoiding me and I’ll never see him again.

The first time my best friend saw me in an episode was because we were running late. She was taking her sweet time and insisted we stopped somewhere for her to get food before we went to where we needed to be. As she was in the store, my mind began to race to everything that could happen the more late we got. By the time she got back in the car it seemed like an hour had passed. Then my gps brought me to the wrong location. She looked over and realized I was crying and shaking. The second she asked what was wrong, I completely lost it, and of course, blamed it on her. I felt like she failed me. She didn’t understand. After about 15 minutes of me aggressivly crying, shaking, and yelling, we made it to our destination. Almost instantly I snapped back to reality and things were great for the rest of the day.

It’s the little things.

Some of my most serious outbursts have happened because of my tv shows. Yes….just tv. You see, my biggest coping mechanism is watching tv. It is my best way to escape the emotions I feel in real life, and focus on someone else. I connect more to characters than I do real life people. So when someone I love causes me to miss a show, or even pause it for a split second, I have a melt down. This all goes back to symptoms of BPD. We can not love you and hate you at the same time. It’s one or the other. That can last for hours, to months, to years. One of my darkest memories, and the reason I was forced back on medication in 2013 (and the reason I stay on it), was because my mom was telling me I couldn’t watch my favorite show, Nashville. One second she’s grabbing the remote out of my hands, the next I’m tackling her to the ground and trying to choke her out. Most of that night is honestly a blur, I just remember waking up from whatever trance I was in and realizing that I was on top of my own Mother, trying to physically hurt her. I ran out of the house so quick. That’s when I realized it was time to get my life under control.

Then we go to the opposite side of the spectrum; my obsessive side.

I have ruined plenty of relationships because I can become extremely obsessed very fast. We could hang out one time and if you don’t text me back fast enough, boom, I’m in another episode. Even if I recognize it’s not normal I can’t seem to cut off the emotions.

I’ve had regular fights in relationships turn into me blacking out because my mind is so overwhlemed with the idea that I might be abandoned. I don’t understand the concept “I need space”. My boyfriend now likes to go for a walk after arguments. This drives me crazy! How do I know you’re ever coming back?!

This all goes back to heavy insecurities. 

Atleast that’s what the therapists tell me. The funny thing is, is that I don’t really see myself as an insecure person. If my loved ones did everything I said, and went along with every plan, I would think I’m the shit. But instead I get left with the reality that other people have their own minds and lives to deal with. I can’t grasp that concept. It’s hard for me to see life without me in it.

I clearly embrace being “crazy” and am very open to it, but it’s a whole different story when someone says it in an argument. Then it turns into a bad thing. It turns into you making me feel like you’re mad that I struggle with these things. I’ve had plenty of arguments where the other person says “no one else is going to love you because you’re crazy”. On the other end I know people feel like they’re walking on eggshells because they know I could hurt myself at any moment.

I need a LOT of attention and reassurance, but only when it comes to my romantic relationships. These are the only relationships I will continue to let control me. I still haven’t completely figured out why yet. Maybe it’s because I’ve been cheated on. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel worthy of a long term relationship. Which is why I like showing you things I’ve written because yes, I realize they repeat a lot of things I’ve already said, but that shows how much my mind swivels back to the same things.

Often times, people tell me I’m too controlling with people that I love. Whether that’s with my brothers, who have become scared of introducing me to new girlfriends, to my friends and boyfriend hanging out with other people without me. I just don’t trust anyone. I feel like everyone is out to get me and steal my happiness. 

In later articles we will go deeper into the abuse and real abandonment that brought me to these conclusions. Feeling this way can leave you in some really shitty relationships. You never feel worthy of a nice guy. You justify being abused because you’re crazy and don’t deserve better. Maybe you feel like you’re always pushing people away. Maybe it’s just easier to surround yourself with broken people so you feel more whole. Broken people understand you. I know for me, I feel like I can’t even relate to people that haven’t gone through some serious shit. I don’t want people to pity me. I don’t want to be seen as weak.

I just want to point out that this is not something that just I struggle with because of my own experiences. This is something that anyone will face if they try to get in a relationship with someone with mental illness. You need to learn their triggers and simply understand that if they could change their brain to make it easier, they would.

Could you handle manic love?