Why me?

Why should you believe anything I have to say?

I have struggled with mental illness as long as I can remember. I am diagnosed with Bipolar II as well as Borderline Personality Disorder, but I was wrongly diagnosed for years. I first went to therapy when I was 8 years old after my mom lost my sister as a still born. Originally labeled as depressed when I was 14, I was put on medication that later threw me into a medically induced hypomanic episode. Later diagnosed Bipolar as a 17 year old, and having a pretty eventful life at the time, staying on medication was hard for me. When you’re good, you think you’re fantastic, which leads you to think you can handle life without your meds. Wrong.

After moving out to California when I was 19, I became stuck on a never ending roller coaster between mania and depression, and was slowly unraveling at the seams. One day during an episode, I just decided to pack up my car and drive across the country to move home and regroup. At this point I had been off my meds for a year and I had become very violent, with episodes of blacking out and not remembering the high risk things I had done. I was forced to go back on meds and be put in extensive therapy.

Things seemed to be fine and I felt like I could move on with my life. I went 2 years without having any serious problems from my medication and I hadn’t physically attacked anyone in months. Within that time, I decided it was okay to move back to California. Things took a turn in 2015, when my mind starting slipping into an obsession with the darkness and the power that comes from manipulation. It took me months to find the right thing to do with my mental state and the right steps to take forward. I finally was diagnose with Borderline Personality Disorder with acute sociopathic tendencies.

I have traveled the country and become an international advocate for mental health awareness. I was on the cover of Bipolar Hope Magazine. I received the Didi Hirsch Erasing the Stigma Award and the Bipolar Association’s Inspire Award. But what does that all really mean if I’m forced to water down my story to please the people afraid of the truth of mental illness? This site will take you through my real struggle, to the deepest of my darkness, the twisted and paralyzing loneliness, the effects on my relationships and the feeling of being lost and extremely misunderstood. Welcome to my mind.