April 19, 2020 – 5:05am 

What a crazy time to be alive. As the world comes to a halt, everyone is left realizing that time is an interesting thing. While people are stuck in lockdown, some might think the time is moving quickly. Some might feel like time is moving slow. Everything we thought was “real”, every bit of routine we had as a society, came to an abrupt end. Maybe not end, but a drastic change from the world we once knew has taken place. All sense of control we had has somewhat been taken away from us. 

Whether you have used this time to be productive or used it as a time to catch up on sleep and binge tv shows, there is one thing everyone has been unable to avoid; your thoughts. 

I feel like we often times get caught up in distractions and if you don’t have one, you make one. That can be a job, a hobby, or a person. We are constantly searching for ways to avoid those inner demons. Those things you have tried so hard not to face. But more times than not, those things are what is holding you back from a better tomorrow. 

So, what has me up at 5 in the morning? 

Trust 

A word I don’t think I’ve ever really experienced. What is the last thing I trusted in my life? Truly.  

The definition is a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. 

I guess the closest thing I’ve felt to true consistent trust would be to my grandparents and my brothers. I think those are the only people in my life I’ve had 100% belief in won’t fail me. I love my parents do not get me wrong mom and dad if you’re reading. But there have been moments in my childhood I didn’t know what would last. I have trust now. I have definitely built that over time. 

But I think my biggest issue is trust within other people; strangers, friends, boyfriends. I think to trust these people you have to be secure in yourself which has been a huge issue for me. I think I am 100% true to myself. Almost to the point, it kills me. I lay everything out on the table from the jump in hopes I’ll be accepted even though I don’t trust I ever will. 

So why do I do it? 

So many people create these masks. Or my dad would say, shiny exteriors. A person they have created that they think will be accepted by society. I never understood that but sometimes I wish I did. 

I want to be able to trust someone that they won’t hurt me. 

How can you build a relationship without trust? 

With distrust comes chaos. Jealousy. Insecurity. 

Everything I’m trying so hard to overcome.  

This lockdown has forced me into a place of self-reflection. I’m trying to use this as a time to work on myself and be able to sit in silence, sit in loneliness, sit in the unexpected, and trust that I won’t get hurt. Trust that it’ll all be okay in the end. Because let’s be honest, the biggest thing that hurts us is our own mind.