“Can’t you just tell yourself to be happy? I mean come on, it’s your mind.”
I hate when people try to assume that I wanted this life. That any of us wanted this life. Because yeah, right, I love living in a body that constantly is making things out to be worse than they are. And what’s even more sad is when I try to talk to someone about how I view the world and they say something like, “it wasn’t that bad”, “you’re being so dramatic”, “that’s not even what really happened.” My brain…this stupid brain…it doesn’t see reality like the “normal” do. Don’t you get it?
What is the definition of normal anyway? On dictionary.com it’s as simple as “approximately average in any psychological trait, as intelligence, personality, or emotional adjustment, free from any mental disorder; sane.” I thought that definition was kind of funny all considering, but then I went to urbandictionary.com. The definitions posted on the site ranged from “nonexistent” to “a word made up by society so they could attack those who are different”. I think the most real definition was “normal is about as concrete as the idea of “love”. The meaning is constantly evolved to suit the momentary desires and/or needs of a single person, or group of people.” Mind blowing isn’t it? Nobody is normal, everyone is different, there is no average.
So what is your happy? What is your “normal”?
What if I said I was happy within my chaos? Would you believe me?
How can I say I’m living my life to the fullest if I don’t feel full? The emptiness is like a virus that sits deep within my chest and I’m constantly fighting its growth. Everyone always says, “you’re better than this”, “all you have to do is pray and be positive”, because this darkness “isn’t you”, but honestly, it is. All I’ve ever heard is that I’m too negative. I’m too obsessed with the darkness. So i’ve done everything I can to be “normal”, to be what everyone else says is right. I’m so souped up on medication right now I’ve realized I hate this feeling. Or lack thereof. I hate the way “mentally healthy” people live. I’m exhausted. I’m numb. I don’t know how to feel like this. I miss epsiodes. I miss the overwhelmingness of feeling everything at once. Atleast I feel something! I don’t know how to live like this and I don’t want to. All I want is to be happy and I’m happy within my crazy. But you wanna know whats sad? I can’t. Because unless you’re crazy yourself or also obsessed with the darkness, you will 100% never understand. And you’ll look down on me. And judge me. And push me away because I’m “too much” for you. I’m always gonna have to dull down the crazy. I just wish you could see that to me, I’m not crazy. I’m normal. You’re all the ones that are fucking crazy.